


The Consequences of Looming Demotion

by Nnoitra



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale/Crowley mentioned in passing, Beelz gets preggy thanks gabriel, Gabriel Drinks For The First Time But Only Because He Thought He Was Getting Demoted, Gen, Multi, Other, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), They/Them Pronouns for Dagon (Good Omens), This is mostly just a romcom leaning heavy on the comedy, honestly this fic had me laughing at my own writing, no sex scene but obviously heavily talked about, somewhat dubious consent because drunk af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26523424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nnoitra/pseuds/Nnoitra
Summary: Maybe it's time to brush up on their knowledge of Humans, because this was NOT supposed to happen. Why were they even given working bodies!?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens), Dagon/Michael (Good Omens)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22





	The Consequences of Looming Demotion

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know what I'm doing anymore :)

It shouldn't have happened, should have been impossible. At least, that's what Beelzebub told themself. I mean really, Angels and Demons were not supposed to be able to become pregnant, and especially not with each other. Besides, Beelzebub was under the assumption that Gabriel hadn't bothered with the _little details_ of his corporeal form because it wasn't in his nature to indulge in human activities. But then, Heaven was all about _perfection_ wasn't it, so was it really so far-fetched to believe that the bodies they use would be just as sickeningly perfect? But what's it matter, anyway? That night they had was absolutely weird, but was somehow both the Best and Worst night of their lives. If that footage ever got found by an Angel or Demon alike...

With a huff Beelzebub stops scanning their insides for the cause of their weird bouts of sickness. This was going to trouble, big trouble. But they were curious as to what a biological child of the Prince of Hell, Lord of The Flies and a pompous, stuck up Archangel would be like. They chew their lip a bit before doing another scan of their body just to _make sure_. Yep- Pregnant. They didn't even think they had a uterus but here they are, sitting in their office behind a huge mountain of After-The-Not-Armageddon paperwork. It had been only a month since the _incident_. It wasn't even planned, it was just... after the failed Armageddon, they'd both been a little too worried to face the thunder back in their respective offices so they put it off in the only way either of them knew how. 

  
_Which was, they didn't know how at all. So it went like this, sort of._

They materialized out of the air at the same time, in the same place, and all they could do was stare into the distance. They had made it to St James park, a place of many Demons and Angels sent to spy on two traitors- The place was well known within the celestial and demonic community. Gabriel was the first to break the silence.

"This is possibly the worst day in all my years of creation." He says, his voice sounds deadpan and so un-Gabriel. "I loathe to admit, especially to _you_ , but I actually think I may just be a tad dreading having to return to Heaven at this very moment in time."

"I'd zzay I feel the same, but that would sound like a sappy human romanzze novel." Beelzebub sighs, walking over to a nearby park bench and dropping down onto it without any elegance at all.

"You don't seem the type to read human romantic books." Gabriel says, walking over to Beelzebub. He hesitates sitting next to them but decides to anyway. It seems like idle small talk is a good distraction from the absolute disaster of the failed Armageddon.

"My zzide created them, I had to read some to review whether they were really evil or not." Beelzebub says, they've got their head in their hands and look absolutely wretched. "They are."

  
"I see. I always assumed it was a thing from my side. I mean, literature about Love? Sounds pretty Holy, if you ask me." Gabriel says, he spots a cigarette butt on the ground and frowns. He miracles it into a bin somewhere in the park to make himself feel better about failing the Great Plan.

  
"It izz so bold of you to assume that the majority of humanzz like mushy bullshit romance and not abzzolutely debauched and raunchy violent sex." Beelzebub says, scoffing, "You clearly never read."

"Of course I don't read. Other than paperwork, there isn't anything worth reading; especially not a human made book. It's not what an Archangel does." Gabriel huffs, "Anyway, back to the disaster at hand, what the _fuck_ are we going to do?"

Beelzebub pulls a face, kinda like a grimace or just disgust, Gabriel wasn't really sure. "I don't know. I've never exactly had to face _failing the Armageddon_ before!" 

"Plus there's no Antichrist to restart it now, which means we're in double trouble." Gabriel sighs, his hands clasped together in his lap. "Unless you have a spare somewhere?"

  
Beelzebub's mouth is slightly ajar as they turn to gape at Gabriel. "A... A spare? A spare Antichrist? Are you fucking BONKERZZ? Are you literally brain-dead?"

"Don't get flip with me you tiny little bitch, it was a valid question. Surely there's backup for this kind of thing." Gabriel huffs, turning away in exasperation at being called such a rude thing as _bonkers_.

"You really think we had a backup baby in case the firzzt one _fucked up_?" Beelzebub barks out a single low laugh at Gabriel. 

"Well, human infants die easily so I thought you'd have taken that into account." Gabriel glares.

"Well... actually, we thought it would be fine at the time because Crowley, that dumbazz bastard, had decided to take up nannying the child to the wayzz of evil. Wrong child though, apparently." Beelzebub mutters, head back in their hands.

"Oh shit." Gabriel mutters, "Aziraphale had reported that he was also influencing the child to the ways of the light so we overlooked it. Had no idea why he was doing that to begin with though, it was really unnecessary." 

"I have the overwhelming need to get abzzolutely plasted right now." Beelzebub says, "Join me? I think we really need it." 

"Plasted? Why would we need statues?" Gabriel frowns.

"You are so insufferably behind the human timezz." Beelzebub deadpans, "I mean get drunk. Drink alcoholic beveragezz until our brainzz fog over and we temporarily forget this disguzzting failure."

"Oh. Well in that case, no." Gabriel looks appalled at the thought, "I do not sully my celestial body with gross matter."

"Yeah well, you alzzo don't fail the Armageddon." Beelzebub shoots back. "Except you _do_."

Gabriel purses his lips as he glares, "Fair point... well, I don't fraternize with the enemy."

"This would be a special, onzze only, offer. Can't be fraternization if it's a casual businezz meeting relating to the failure of the Armageddon." Beelzebub says.

Gabriel mulls it over in his head, "Yeah fine. Let's do it."

  
With a nod, Beelzebub reaches out and grabs Gabriel by his coat, he miracles them to a dimly lit inn somewhere just outside of the bustling London. It wasn't dirty, so much as just old and somewhat dusty in places. They enter through the door and find the darkest corner available. The inn is nearly empty, only a few patrons sat around minding their own business. Stairs to the left of the room allowed a quick glance up to a corridor where a series of low rent rooms seemed to be almost uninhabited. The two of them sit down in a corner table and slump down with their heads on the table. To any onlookers, they could be perceived as already drunk. When the barmaid comes over, looking tired, they give her a considerably lengthy order of various bottles. Now, if they were human then the barmaid would have told them that they weren't allowed to order that much alcohol, but a little demonic intervention had her thinking of the money she could get from this sale, and a little angelic miracle had her thinking they were going to be sharing with the other patrons in such a friendly outgoing manner. She brings them the drinks, including two champagne glasses and two shot glasses, ready to be filled.

  
As soon as the drinks arrive, Beelzebub gets straight to the pouring, sort of, between pouring the drinks they take swigs straight from the bottle, ignoring Gabriel's somewhat uncomfortable glances at them every time they do it. 

"Why can't you be normal?" Gabriel says with a long suffering sigh.

Beelzebub pauses and looks at him dead in the eyes, eyebrows raised. "Did you just ask the Prince of Hell about being normal?" They say, taking the shot they just poured. Gabriel has no reply to that.

"Let's just drink. I need to forget today ever happened." Gabriel says and with concerning lack of hesitation from an Archangel who just berated the Lord of the Flies for drinking weirdly, picks up a bottle of Vodka and chugs it. Much to the delight of Beelzebub, who was incredibly impressed at Gabriel's display of consuming _gross matter_ for the first time.

  
They drink in silence after that for about half an hour, continuously and without pause. Gabriel is red in the face as is Beelzebub. But they're definitely drunk now, the way Beelzebub is hunched over with their face in a glass of straight kahlua, the fly on their head buzzing lowly from the smell alone. Gabriel is staring at the glass in his hand, eyes glazed over and still, he's holding a champagne glass half full of beer but he wont finish it because he hates the taste and now he's having a crisis because his drunken mind cant figure out how to remove the liquid from the glass without drinking it. With a defeated sigh he puts the glass back down on the table.

"I'm such a failure. I can't even do Armageddon right, and now..." Gabriel, though Beelzebub isn't sure, might be about to cry, "and now I can't even dispose of this nasty liquid in my glass, like... where do I put it so I can get new liquid?"

Beelzebub's alcohol hazed mind feels pity and reaches over to take the glass from in front of Gabriel, they just tip it upside down on the table and it spills everywhere. "I fixed it for you."

Now Gabriel does cry, "Thank you, you're so nice."

"Hey don't cry, it'zz digusting." Beelzebub is tearing up now, but they don't know why. 

"You're crying." Gabriel counters, he grabs one of the bottles on the table, they keep miraculously refilling, and he gulps it down without pouring it into the glass. "So I can too."

  
"That'zz not fair, only one of uzz should cry!" Beelzebub growls, slamming a hand on the table and knocking over a bottle, it goes literally everywhere, dripping off the edge of the table and onto both of their laps.

  
"Oh no we can't even do crying right!" Gabriel is sobbing now, "We're going to be fired. It really is the End of The World! Our world!"

"No don't talk like that, if you Fall I'll have to deal with you down in Hell." Beelzebub groans, but then pauses with a horrified look on their face, "But... what if I get fried too!? If I get fried and you fall then... oh fuck no, you might end up higher ranking than me and I can't have that."

"Haha. You said fried instead of fired." Gabriel laughs, but he's still crying too. 

"Argh, shut up." Beelzebub groans, slamming their head down on the table; the Fly gets dislodged and winds up falling off Beelzebub's head and onto the table, knocking over two more bottles. At this point the two drunkards are absolutely soaked through with alcohol. "I guess, you know, it might not be that bad."

  
"What?" Gabriel slurs, he's seeing double at this point.

"If you Fall, maybe hanging out with you in Hell wouldn't be zzo bad." Beelzebub waves a hand in the air, the hand still holding a bottle of red wine. It sloshes everywhere, including all over the struggling fat fly on the table. "Fraternizing."

"Oh, fraternizing in Hell." Gabriel nods, "If I Fall, _which I won't_ , we _could_ fraternize you know. Since we wouldn't be enemies anymore."

"Fuck this. What'zz stopping uzz from fraternizing now?" Beelzebub is really truly gone now.

  
"I..." Gabriel frowns down at Beelzebub. "I don't know. I can't remember."

  
"Well if you can't remember then it wazzn't important." Beelzebub nods knowingly. "Let's... fraternize." 

  
"Yeah ok." Gabriel shrugs. "What's your definition of fraternizing, though? Just so we're on the same page."

  
"Urgh, pagezz." Beelzebub rolls their eyes, "Don't talk to me about paperwork. I might just discorporate." 

  
"Let me rephrase it then." Gabriel says, "What would we do when fraternizing?" 

  
"Dunno. Zz'pose we could have.... relationzz." Beelzebub slurrs their words, waving a hand for emphasis. The last bottle has been knocked over, it hits the fly on the table and it makes a displeased buzz.

"What, like Pornography?" Gabriel asks, his head is spinning but the buzzing of both the fly and Beelzebub are doing things to him and he's having _feelings_.

Beelzebub pauses and looks up from analyzing their spilled mess on the fly, "Pornography? I mean. Sure. Yeah ok, that could work. I get to do a Zzinful Deed with An Archangel, and you... hmm. Lotzza people would be happy to zzee the... videographic content. That would be a good thing?" 

  
Gabriel nods encouragingly, "I have literally no idea what you're talking about but let's do it." 

  
Beelzebub pushes themself into a standing position, and very determinedly marches around to Gabriel's side of the table and grabs his face in their hands. "We're going to fuck. We're going to make the bezzt Pornography this world will have the pleazzure of watching. Let me juzzt grab one of those cameraphonezz that humans have." With a determined click of their fingers, a smartphone was in their hand in an instant.

Gabriel feels himself fill with determination, "I still don't know what you're talking about but the fuck part sounds great right now."

"I'd zzay I love you but then I wouldn't be sinning and that's not what I'm about." Beelzebub says, they lean down and give Gabriel a very sloppy kiss on the mouth.

  
"I believe this establishment has 'Rooms' available." Gabriel says, voice muffled by Beelzebub's mouth.

  
"Who cares if they're available? Let'zz fuck here." Beelzebub growls, lifting Gabriel up off the chair and slamming him down on the table, messing up his already soaked clothes.

  
"Isn't voyeurism a sin? It probably is." Gabriel protests lightly, his heart and his mind are definitely not in it. 

  
"Well it wouldn't be you sinning, would it? Unless you discorporate and I fuck your corpse and you watch in your incorporeal form. That would be you going all.... voyeuristic." Beelzebub says, they've pushed Gabriel further onto the table at this point, and somehow the smartphone is stuck to the wall via unknown forces and is livestreaming on some random website. I mean, it's not like either them particularly are too knowledgeable on Pornography.

  
"Woah, that makes sense. You're smart." Gabriel says, appreciating the feeling of Beelzebub who has now climbed up onto the table, slipping over Gabriel with their legs on either side of his stomach. There must have been a subconscious miracle involved to not let the patrons and staff notice and kick them out.

  
Well, that's what the both of them _thought_ but I guess there really is no end to the lustful thoughts that patrons who drink alone in the late afternoon in run down old inns have about a strange looking pair of people having the weirdest conversation they have ever heard in their measly short lives, and who then proceed to fuck the shit out of each other on a table in the corner. Even the barmaid was impressed. She recorded it too. As did that one fellow sitting at the bar who hadn't even started his drink yet. No one has even noticed the fly or the smartphone, and if they have they've decided it best not to mention.

_And that's how we've reached the point we're at now._

  
Beelzebub nods to themself, processing the new discovery. They feel vague panic well up inside and they stand up, biting their lip. With a hand over their stomach, Beelzebub starts pacing back and forth in their office trying to think of a solution to the problem. They thought of abortion, but the curiosity of what this child would be like overtook the logic needed in this situation. At that moment, Dagon walked in, armful of files and an absolutely drained look about them.

"Lord, some more-" They stopped short though. "What are you doing?"

The sight of the Lord of Flies pacing back and forth in their office was not even rare, but never before seen. Beelzebub pauses and turns to face Dagon. "Do I have your undying loyalty?" They hadn't planned to tell anyone, but it's not something that can go left unsaid- Beelzebub has to admit to themself: they need help right now.

"Of course, why would you even ask?" Dagon says, frowning. They dump the papers unceremoniously on the desk, not even bothering to pick up the half of them that fell on the floor.

"No, I muzzt know, give me your word that what I'm about to tell you is abzzolutely confidential and that you will not breathe a word of it to anyone or anything." Beelzebub turns deadly serious and marches over to a very worried looking Dagon.

"You have my word, may you kill me if I lie about it." Dagon replies.

Beelzebub stares into Dagon's face, looking for any sign of lies. "Alright. Perhapzz, to better allow an explanation, I ought to show you. I zzaid to myself I wazzn't going to show anyone, but for the first time I'm actually at a lozz."

Dagon frowns, "Show me what? What did you do? _Please_ let this not require more paperwork."

"I don't know, just..." Beelzebub hesitates for a second before reaching into their pocket and pulling out the smartphone they stole from the inn. They use their demonic abilities to miracle up the video on the screen and hand it to Dagon. "Here. Please watch until the end before I explain the problem."

  
A very confused and concerned Dagon stands and watches the video as Beelzebub feels faint again and goes to sit at their desk with a sigh and their head in their hands. The recording apparently starts at Gabriel's words of 'Isn't voyeurism a sin?' and Beelzebub groans to themself quietly as they just know Dagon is going to hear their reply, and then of course the following proceedings. It seemed like forever for Dagon to be done watching the video, and it probably was at least an hour, and Beelzebub silently muses they could have lasted longer if they weren't so inebriated. They'd both miracled the door to not open in the office, so no disturbances could happen. Just the long suffering hour or so of Dagon with a Dead Inside But Secretly Enjoying It expression watching drunk Beelzebub and Gabriel fucking on a table with people watching.

With a nod of acceptance, Dagon hands the phone back to Beelzebub. "Ok so you had a really wild night of passionate drunk sex with the Archangel, in public, broadcast live somewhere. Fair. What is the problem other than the fact there is literal porn of a Demon and an Archangel now available for humans to view?"

"It'zz been a month since that incident. We did it after the failed Armageddon. We were both so sure we'd be heavily reprimanded if not killed so we drank away our worriezz. But we got carried away as you can see. Apparently Gabriel didn't know what Pornography entailed when he suggested it so that's why this vizzual exists, unfortunately." Beelzebub says, trying to draw out the conversation so they don't have to get to the point just yet.

Dagon nods very slowly, "Ok, so you drank and fucked. Why bring it up now? What could possibly be this important to you but be brought up so late?"

  
"Did you know that I, apparently, have a fully functioning uterus?" Beelzebub laughs, but there's no humor in their voice. "I didn't until just today."

"You're..." Dagon seems to process this, "Able to pee well?"

Beelzebub huffs out an actual small laugh and looks over to Dagon, " _No_ , you idiot."

"Just making the mood in here lighter." Dagon nods and sits on the desk in front of Beelzebub. "So it's possible, then? For a Demon and Angel... well, Archangel, even?"

  
"Apparently so." Beelzebub says, subconsciously sliding their hand up to their stomach. "I wasn't going to say anything, fuck, I was even considering that I might not even let Gabriel know."

  
"You should tell the angel." Dagon says seriously, "Doesn't have to be soon, if you want, but it will have to be at some point. We don't know what a child like this is going to be like, it might have a particularly big... I don't know, energy?"

  
"Yeah." Beelzebub nods and frowns down at their stomach, "It will be noticed by Angel and Demon alike if this child has any kind powerful aura to it."

  
"I am under the assumption that you will keep this child, or you would not have brought it up to me." Dagon says, "So, what was it that you needed from me?"

  
"I won't ask you to stand and defend me should all this come out and go badly, but I will admit that I might need a bit of help. My situation will not go unnoticed if I am not careful." Beelzebub gets up and goes to stand in front Dagon, grabbing their shoulders. "Whatever you do, whatever I have to do conceal this from Hell, you cannot let any files that could give me away be seen by eyes other than yours. That, right now anyway, is the most important thing."

  
"Of course. They don't call me Lord of the Files for nothing." Dagon grins, teeth showing menacingly, "Besides, working under you is a pleasure, and Hell doesn't get many of those. I loathe to think about who Hell would replace you with were you forced to step down off the throne."

  
"I'd reply with how nice that is of you to zzay for Demon, but then I'd feel like that fucking Archangel would be rubbing off on me in a way I _didn't_ want." Beelzebub replies, "Let's never speak pleasentriezz like that, I am after all, still Prince of Hell."

  
"For now." Dagon laughs, "Never know what could happen."

"Ooh, menacing. Much better improvement." Beelzebub nods in agreement, "Ok, let's discuzz wha-"

They vomit over Dagon, who is stock still as it happens. Beelzebub wipes their mouth and grimaces. The two Demons just stare at each other for a moment before Beelzebub sighs and clicks their fingers, vanishing the mess from the floor and off of Dagon. Beelzebub goes back to sit in their chair, with a groan and their head in their hands, and tries hard not to mumble a very un-Demonic apology.

"I guess morning sickness affects even the Lord of the Flies." Dagon laughs, brushing off the incident from before.

  
"How the fuck do the Humans do it? It'zz awful." Beelzebub grumbles into the desk.

  
"Is it morning sickness really that painful?" Dagon frowns.

"It izz fucking terrible. I nearly pity the Humanzz." Beelzebub says, turning their head to stare at Dagon. "This is also why I need your help. I find myself even more... emotionally volatile than a Demon should be. Flashes of anger, stuff like that. No wonder that Traitorous Crowley..."

"What did Crowley do? I don't think he invented pregnancy." Dagon asks.

"Phantom Pregnancy, the Bastard. All the symptoms of being pregnant, but no child." Beelzebub mumbles, "A lot of Humans have given into their flashes of anger because of it."

  
"Huh, nice work of him I suppose." Dagon says, "Though... hmm, I think he lied about inventing it."

"What do you mean?" Beelzebub says, conversation distracting them from the nausea.

"Well, he claimed he invented it but I think it was just a human defect discovered by one of their Doctor People." Dagon says, "I vaguely remember him being in another country at the time, focusing on alcohol. Or at least that's what my files said, couldn't be bothered to look into it. Either way, nowhere said anything about him using his abilities to give humans a painful annoying experience like that."

  
"Urgh, fuck it." Beelzebub says, slowly sitting upright in their chair, "Who carezz anymore. He's immune to Holy Water so it'zz not like there's anything we can do."

  
"Suppose." Dagon shrugs, but they pause, "Well you know, if you need information about consorting with Angels you could always, you know..."

  
Beelzebub turns a glare on Dagon, "You better not be suggezzting what I think you are."

  
"I'm just saying!" Dagon throws their hands in the air, "He _has_ been fraternizing with that Angel for 6000 years _apparently_ and is _perfectly fine_. Fuck, I hear along the grapevine that there's apparently to be a _congratulations_ in order as of a few days ago."

  
"They got hitched a _month_ after the anti-Christ brat fucked up the end of the world?" Beelzebub tries pretty hard not gape. The two dumbass bastards had been skirting around a romantic relationship for 6000 years and all in one go they're apparently _married_.

"According to questionably reliable sources, Heaven's engagement department received the document exactly 2 days after the Holy Water failed execution on Crowley and the apparent Hellfire Immunity from Aziraphale." Dagon says. 

"That wazz extremely quick." Beelzebub mutters. "Must have tried to catch up on 6000 yearzz in a day."

  
Dagon nods, "Probably. Why are we talking about this? Oh yeah, ask them about Angel-Demon relations."

  
"Oh zzure, that'll go over well." Beelzebub rolls their eyes, "'Hi Traitor, anyway I fucked the Archangel Gabriel and now I am carrying hizz child can you help me somehow?' That'zz a laugh, Dagon."

  
"I think you should though. They had a hand in stopping the Armageddon, if your child has the possibility of being anything like that, you might need help from them." Dagon says.

  
"Yeah, except that they didn't do fuck all if you think about it." Beelzebub mutters, "Talked a bit, dined a lot. Pep speechezz."

  
"I guess. Still a better choice to talk to though. In fact, if you don't, I will." Dagon says, a determined look on their face.

  
"Loyalty my azz." Beelzebub growls, "I'm not talking to that traitor Crowley."

  
"Scared of him? Because of that little Holy Water stunt he pulled?" Dagon raises an eyebrow, "If you won't talk to him then talk to the Angel. Angels? Talk to both of them. The Archangel and Crowley's bitch."

  
"Urgh, I'll talk to Gabriel firzzt." Beelzebub says, "Get it over and done with."

Beelzebub reaches over and grabs a singed piece of paper from somewhere on their desk and writes down the words 'Meet me in my office downstairs', then they sign their name and light the paper on fire until it disappears completely. 

"Right. Done. Zztay in here until he arrives, in cazze of a fallout." Beelzebub mutters.

  
Somewhere up in Heaven, a slightly burnt piece of paper has appeared on the Archangel Gabriel's lap, singing his pants because it was still slightly on fire. He yelps and stands up, letting it fall on the floor. With a grimace he grabs a vial of holy water and dumps it on the paper, watching it sizzle for a second and go out. He nearly had a Hellfire accident in his office and was not prepared to explain that to anyone. With a sigh he bends down to pick up the paper and turn it over. He frowns and miracles his schedule to free up as he mentally prepares to descend into Hell to meet with his one night stand. He vaguely wonders if they want to go another round, but he can't see why because it's not like either of them are in any current danger of whatever the human word for anti-promotion is, like a promotion in the opposite direction. All they have in Heaven is currently 'Falling' or 'Die'.

With a huff, Gabriel straightens his coat, clicks his fingers and miracles himself to the Downstairs escalator. He frowns as he stares down the escalator, noticing how it gets considerably more _disgusting_ the further down it goes. He sighs and steps on, slowly descending into Hell. It takes him an hour to find Beelzebub's office because no demon wanted to go near him let alone help him with directions. Only reason he found it at all was because Dagon went to get him. It wasn't like there was anyone there who _couldn't_ feel his presence. They just wanted to savor his increasingly unnerved aura for a bit. He walks in to Beelzebub's office to see them at their desk, scribbling idly on a piece of paper. Jumping when he and Dagon burst into the room, locking the door behind them with both a normal lock and a bit of Demonic influence.

  
"So what is this about, Prince of Hell?" Gabriel asks, he's not sure where to sit because it doesn't look like there _is_ anywhere so he chooses to stand with his hands clasped in front him. "Round 2?"

  
Beelzebub glares. "No. You..."

  
"I?" Gabriel raises an eyebrow.

  
"You got me pregnant, you prick." Beelzebub growls.

  
Gabriel just stares. And stares. "Uhhhhhh no I didn't?"

  
"Yezz you did! I didn't fuck anyone else? Pluzz there'zz video proof that we did." Beelzebub counters, they really hope this isn't going to turn into a big fight.

  
"But that's impossible. Like, literally not able to happen?" Gabriel scoffs.

  
"But it did happen, and the inside of my body is proof that it did!" Beelzebub says, they can feel anger welling up but they aren't sure if it's them or a side effect of pregnancy.

  
"It must have been someone else then?" Gabriel says, "I didn't perform any miracles?"

  
Beelzebub pauses, "What? No obviouzzly you didn't perform any miraclezz why the fuck would you bring that up? I didn't fuck anyone elzze but you in the past at least 150 yearzz!"

  
"I looked over my miracle records for that day in case I did anything like that, and I didn't do any kind of pregnancy miracle so you must have had another Angel playing some kind of joke on you." Gabriel says, "Duh."

  
Dagon bursts into raucous laughter, absolutely gut bursting wheezing laughs. Beelzebub regrets the fact they even considered talking to Gabriel after the failed Armageddon. Gabriel looks slightly put off at a demon laughing at him when he clearly thinks he hasn't said anything that requires laughter.

  
"Why is that fish laughing at me?" Gabriel frowns, wildly gesturing to Dagon, who is now in fetal position on the floor, tears on their face.

  
"G-Gabriel..." Beelzebub isn't sure what to really say to convey everything that's going on in their head right now. "Um, maybe you need a miracle to get another Angel pregnant when you _don't have a body assigned to you_ but..."

  
"But?" Gabriel urges.

  
"We both still have our assigned bodiezz." Beelzebub says, "You got me pregnant the human way, idiot. Good old nut in the trunk."

  
Dagon has now passed out.

"I still don't get what you mean." Gabriel says, "Are you saying Humans have another way of getting pregnant via not _miraculous intervention_?"

  
"Oh fucking shit you dumbazz." Beelzebub let's their head drop onto the desk. "Humanzz procreate, did God Herself not give you any details? If they fuck, without a thing called Protection, they get pregnant."

Gabriel is silent as he takes in what Beelzebub is saying.

"I cannot believe I have to give Sex Ed to a fucking Archangel." Beelzebub groans, "Juzzt because a miracle wazz required for Mary, doesn't mean humanity in general needzz it. You really think there izz enough Angel's in existence to juzzt miracle everyone a baby?"

  
Gabriel nods, "Alright. Fine. But I don't believe you, you just want me to pay Hell some child support. Not happening."

  
Beelzebub stares at Gabriel, "Right." They stand up and walk to where Dagon has passed out, kicking them in the side.

  
They sit up suddenly with a wheeze, "Jeez, ow." Dagon mumbles, rubbing their sides.

  
"Ring your girlfriend." Beelzebub says, "This Archangel doesn't believe that Humanity has no need for miracles to get them pregnant." 

"Right, right." Dagon says, scrambling to find their phone, their face is tense from trying not laugh hysterically again. They dial up a number and wait for someone to pick up. "Yeah hey, not the usual call I thought I'd ever make but I have your Archangel here- yes, Gabriel how did you- Oh ok right. Not subtle at all. Anyway Gabriel has a... problem here, see I can't go into details exactly but an incredibly long story short, Gabriel can't seem to figure out that humans..... procreate... on their own without the need of miracles." Dagon cuts themself off, letting a laugh escape. "Yep, it's true. He's right here if you want to talk to him. I'll hand you over."

With a roll of his eyes, Gabriel takes the phone from Dagon and says, "Hello? Oh Michael you have- what? No they don't Humans- Wait- Oh shit what- Then that means- Wait shut up for a second. Thank you. Purely hypothetical situation, definitely not now a real possibility, but what would happen if an Angel, or maybe more specifically an Archangel got a Demon pregnant?" He says this with a side glance at Beelzebub who looks mortified that Gabriel is, well, the way he is they guess. "Michael? Hello?"

  
There's a crackling in the air and Michael zaps into the room, papers flying everywhere. Gabriel's eyes go wide and he turns around and slowly brings the phone down. Dagon makes a grab for it before the Archangel drops it. "Ah, Michael. What a pleasure running into you here." Gabriel says, he doesn't look nervous but everyone in the room can tell he thinks he's in big trouble.

"You don't do hypothetical. What did you do?" Michael says, walking over to Gabriel and crossing her arms. "Or maybe, _who_ did you do?"

  
"Oh well, now we're just all having a lovely little party in here." Beelzebub rolls their eyes and pulls Dagon off the floor.

  
"I have no time for games. Gabriel, are you stupid? Is there a defect in your corporeal form?" Michael hisses, "How could you think that human children are created through miracles!?"

  
Dagon snorts a laugh in the background. "Yeah, we had a whole argument about it. He thinks we're trying to scam child support for Hell from him."

  
"Why child su-" Michael pauses a second, nods and looks into Gabriel's eyes. "Gabriel, did you _fuck_ and _impregnate_ a demon? Again, _who_?"

  
"Only the once. Accident, of course." Gabriel grumbles, glancing at Beelzebub quickly, but not so discreetly. "Just after the failure of The End of the World."

  
"Oi, wank-wings. You say _fuck a demon_ like it's not _commonplace_ upstairs nowadays." Dagon grins.

  
"I'm not talking about that, I'm merely shocked that it would be _Gabriel_ of all Angels to, somehow, be the first to apparently get one _pregnant_." Michael says, side-eyeing Dagon. "All because he didn't listen when we had our Humanities Procreation Creation meeting."

"What meeting?" Gabriel asks.

  
Michael throws her hands in the air in exasperation, "Well there it is! You ditched the meeting! That explains everything. Who did you knock up, huh?"

  
Everyone in the room was silent, Dagon was shivering but it was from trying not to laugh at Michael who was flicking her gaze between each of the rooms occupants. Her eyes landed on Beelzebub who had sat back at their desk with their arms crossed on it, head in their arms. The fly on their head was buzzing in a manner that leads one to believe it was nervous or sick, and the answer to both would be a solid yes. Michael lets out an exasperated sigh. 

  
"Of course." Michael nods, "The Prince. You just couldn't have settled for someone _less high ranking_?"

  
"It was a spur of the moment thing." Beelzebub grumbles from the desk. "I guess now that it's out to a few people, then that stupid video will make it's way around- and Dagon, don't try to tell me it won't, I watched you screenshot a scene. It is literally your phone background."

  
Dagon had the indecency to look pleased with themself. "It was hot." They shrugged.

  
"What video- Actually, don't tell me! I don't want to know. Although, I do hope you keep the child." Michael says to Beelzebub, who looks up in shock.

  
"I wazz anyway, but why are you asking me to?" Beelzebub asks, _almost_ tempted to not keep the child simply because Michael wants it kept.

"I'm curious by nature and would like to put it in the record books. In case of future incidents involving other Angels and Demons. So we know what kind of consequences will happen." Michael explains.

"Smart." Gabriel says, "So the child...is mine?"

"Unfortunately." Beelzebub drawls, "But the problem is that my position in Hell could be difficult to maintain given my current... status."

  
"I won't say anything." Michael says, "Don't want them trying to be rid of you before I can see the results of this...child." She says it like a question, though. 

  
"So zzupportive." Beelzebub mocks, "Juzzt what I wanted."

  
Michael gives Beelzebub a small sneer, "I have to be, I'm an Angel. I just don't have to _mean_ it." 

  
"No one zzaid you meant it." Beelzebub shoots back, "Dagon! Take your uninvited girlfriend out of here."

  
Dagon looks over to Michael and shrugs. With a huff, Michael rolls her eyes and marches over to Dagon, grabbing their arm to miracle them both out of the office and who knows where. That leaves Gabriel and Beelzebub alone with their little problem. Gabriel claps his hands together and nods.

"Right!" He says, and swivels to face Beelzebub. "I refuse to be what the humans call a 'getting cigarettes dad' so, that means I have to .... stick around. Also, why can't I teleport into your office but Michael can?"

  
"What?" Beelzebub hisses, standing up from the desk, "You can't do that. I have to work. Also, it's fish-fucking privilege, she can miracle anywhere that Dagon is."

  
"That's... I want that too." Gabriel asks, raising an eyebrow. "And so what if you have to work, I don't care?"

  
"What's stopping you? Also, you can't zztay in Hell with me while I work, dickhead." Beelzebub growls, "Fuck, we're not even friends- We fucked once, drunk, with Humanzz watching, zzure it felt pretty fucking ni-" 

  
"Ah ah ah, I'm going to stop you there." Gabriel cuts them off with a stuck up smile, "We got along well that day before we were drunk. Plus, Michael seems to be on... relationship terms with your little fishy friend there. I'm going to court you, as you are with my child and I enjoyed your company on that absolutely Armageddon-less day."

  
Beelzebub just stares blankly at Gabriel. "Court me?" They ask weakly.

"Yep. I have no idea how to do that but I have seen the humans do it, so I do know a few things. Obviously I cannot do it in an Angelic sort of way as you would probably die or something?" Gabriel says, he walks over to Beelzebub.

  
"Die?" They ask.

  
"Involves Holy Water." Gabriel says, nodding solemnly, "Pity. Anyway! You'd like to go to a Human Food Place- restaurant, right?"

  
Beelzebub thinks it over. "I zzupose I could do that. I am alwayzz up for food."

  
"Thought so!" Gabriel grins, "Let's go."

  
"Right now?" Beelzebub asks, as Gabriel grabs their arm, "But I'm worki-"

  
Gabriel has miracled to them to some kind of underground facility or hallway covered in filth and seemingly nearly abandoned. There's a big flickering yellow sign. They're at a dirty, disgusting and filthy subway McDonald's, filled with rats, mice and cockroaches. 

  
Beelzebub feels like maybe this is what love feels like.

**Author's Note:**

> I have nothing against subway maccas. I just needed grungy ass imagery for Beelze's sake. 
> 
> This was originally much longer, I mean heaps longer to the point it was going to be multichapter but I got so stuck on something near the end of their date that I gave up. I mean, there's only so far you can try when you've had a fic sitting there for 4 months because you don't know how to continue it. 
> 
> Anyway follow me on twitter if you like stupid shit @ / schwingalicious


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